There's something here for all depths of pocket, but please don't feel any obligation to choose a cheaper item from the list if you can think of something else of a greater value that we might like. We're nothing if not flexible, and aim to make your shopping experience as stress free as possible. Please bare in mind that hard cash is an acceptable alternative if the gift of your choice has already been taken. So Yo-Ho-Ho, and on with the list:
- Voran Apple Washer & Elevator - In buying us this fantastic piece of Austrian precision engineering, you'll not only be making it very difficult for us to get to sleep on Christmas Eve ('Is it Washer-Elevator Day yet Karen?'... 'No, go to sleep'), but also helping us prevent further injury to Knees, Back and Elbows during the 2012 cidermaking season. We want one of these beasts more than life itself, and would be more than happy to take delivery right now if it makes things easier for the purchaser. The price may seem high, but we'll be getting an awful lot of food-grade steel for your money, so it's a bargain really...
- Ex-Rum Distillery Cask - Just the one required. Full would be best, but we're prepared to take and empty one if that's all you can get. No other spirits please.
- 'Owler - This might take some tracking down, but I think we're worth it. 'Owler is the latest quality project from Charles Martell, he of Stinking Bishop cheese fame. Not content with making world-class cheeses, he's now distilling perry at his farmhouse in Gloucestershire to produce a very limited quantity of smooth, clear Pear Spirit. I want some, and don't for one moment think that a bottle of Poire Williams will do instead.
- Croft Gold - You may have to go all the way to Shropshire to find a truckle of this rare-as-Hens-Teeth cheese. Croft Gold is produced in the foody capital of Ludlow. A pungent rind-washed cheese, which benefits from a daily wash in the very finest Herefordshire Cider Brandy (I'm guessing this is done by flaxen haired Shropshire Dairy Maids in the dewy morning... or something similar). Like all good cheese it's probably quite expensive, but please don't be mean. A measly slice won't go far on the Christmas Cheese Board, Man-Up and buy a full round. Catch me in the right mood over Christmas and you may even get a nibble yourself... Ho-Ho-Ho!
- Return Tickets to Oviedo - All right, I know I'm pushing it a bit with this one, but we're desperate for a holiday...
- 4 Acres of Good Pasture Land - Much less affordable than you'd imagine, but hey, if you don't ask, you don't get. A gently sloping, south facing field is ideal, vehicular access and a water source would be handy, but I'd be happy with pretty much anything within 10 miles of home to be honest. Throw in a hundred or so cider apple saplings and I'll name a cider after you.
- 1 x Barnevelder Pullet - Karen has said (repeatedly) that the Rockingham Forest Cider Flock is quite large enough and I can't have any more hens, but if someone were to buy me one....
- A Monkey - Yes that's right, a real live Monkey. Preferably a nimble, sure-footed, curly-tailed cheeky climbing Monkey. A Monkey capable of training in the essential task of shaking perry pears out of very tall trees. Easier to look after than small children, and not (as far as I'm aware) subject to the same onerous health and safety legislation. Do make it a cute Monkey though, not one of those primates with a gross looking bottom.
- Socks - Ha-ha! For all those hanging on for the 'Budget Option', here it is. Big, woolly, Welly-socks are what we're talking about. All the better to insulate my toes against the chill of Autumn cidermaking. But feel free to pop one of the above items inside before hanging them on the bedstead. A few Oranges wouldn't go amiss too...
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